Dave, the UKTV digital channel, has just lost the first – and quite possibly only – round of a name-change battle with the eponymous Engine subsidiary which first bagged it in 2003 and has since mounted a legal challenge, claiming conflict of interest. Here we imagine some witty banter between the two Great Portland Street neighbours…
Agency Dave: So – er –Dave, looks like you’re going to have to change that moniker now, doesn’t it (sarcastic titter)? What a silly boy – didn’t do our homework did we? Of course, if you’d come to a proper brand specialist – such as ourselves – before taking the plunge, you wouldn’t have got into hot water with all this EU Office of Harmonisation in the Internal Market bollocks. ‘Stead of which, you’ve taken a right old pasting. Time for another radical repositioning exercise, my son. Ooh, expensive!!
Media Dave: Don’t be so sure, Dave. We’ve lost the first round but not the battle. We’ve got two months to appeal. And even if we don’t, you can whistle for the money – and the name-change. It will take you and your legal chums Lewis Silkin over a year to get anywhere. Which is long enough to show the industry how bloody-, or is that petty-? minded, you’re being about a matter of zero interest to any client. In the court of public opinion, there’s no contest. We chose a name – un-trademarked as it happens (how unprofessional is that, Dave; call yourself a brand consultancy?) – which perfectly encapsulated our programme content and audience. You know, Top Gear, Red Dwarf, Mock the Week… Doh! It’s about blokes, innit?
Whereas you picked any old name off a heap to “distinguish” your agency from all the others. “Distinguish” (snort): don’t make me laugh. “Dave”? Distinction, from what? It’s the commonest name out there. Oh yes, we remember now: from all those other agency monikers that come in triplicate, or quadruplicate – like Wight Collins Rutherford Scott, for example. Must have taken all of five minutes in the head-banger to come up with that one. And what a corker when it popped out! Dave, as distinct from Woo, or perhaps Personal, or even Engine. Pure stream of consciousness, with branding seared right the way down the rock – not.
Agency Dave: You may laugh, but we’ll have the last one. We’re talking about the EU here, not your court of public bloody opinion. We warned you back in 2007, when you came up with this hare-brained rebranding idea – there would be consequences. But you chose to ignore us, you arrogant git. And now you’re going to pay.
Or maybe you haven’t got the money? Tell you what. We’ll settle for nothing. You come on air with a blank screen and we’ll let you keep the Dave name (which obviously means so much to you) on your decorative magnets and stationery. Now, how tender-hearted is that?